The Scions of Capitalism

Once again it is my pleasure to write a few words of greeting to our visitors on the Internet.  I understand that the youth of today are reticent to believe that an older fellow such as myself can understand their problems.  I know you kids say not to trust anyone over thirty.  However, you young people have to understand that not everything in life is hoola-hoops, soda pop, sock hops and chasing poodle skirts.

The generation prior to mine fought and won World War II.  They ushered us into the Nuclear Age.  They gave us an America strong and secure with a great stock market.  They struck a decisive blow and gave us the tools to build a better America.

My generation fought the Communists in every corner of the world, from Korea to Vietnam.  We built an unmatched military-industrial complex to serve us in our war against those Communist bastards.  We developed the modern computer to calculate a better way to blow up the Communists.  We developed the Internet as a way to make sure the Commies couldn’t beat us.  My generation defeated the Soviet Union and struck the coup de grace that has brought capitalism and America to the top.

Now we come to the accomplishments of the current generation.  Many in your generation pride yourselves on your “web-based” accomplishments.  Please realize and understand that this is not capitalism.  A key component of capitalism is profit and since few of your precious Dot Com’s make money, I am sorry to say you have struck a blow against capitalism and therefore have helped the God damned Communists. 

Before you hang your heads in well-earned shame and contemplate relieving your misery in the fine tradition of Papa Hemingway, let me mention the one thing you have popularized that will make you known throughout history as fine, upstanding capitalists and God-fearing™ real-Americans™…the infomercial!

You have succeeded in stripping away any vestige of entertainment from rank and rabid consumerism!  You have crushed out the lie of television commercials under your authoritarian heel!  You have smashed through the need for subliminal advertisements through complete saturation!  You have coaxed the minds of the people to accept infomercials and to actually watch them!  Are you aware that it is practically impossible to turn on the television at any time of day and NOT find at least one infomercial trying to sell steam cleaners, vinyl siding or stain removers?

Take a bow, you Scions of Capitalism!  The future is bright because of your achievement.  Be proud of your accomplishments and spit into the eye of Communism and socialism around the globe!  Forget all the nonsense and claptrap about Generation X, for you are the Infomercial Generation!