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I am pleased to address you on the Internet. If all goes well and
my duties to the May Oral Party of America permit, I will occasionally
write a brief note for those interested in the opinions of the Next County
Manager.
Today I received a letter from my
former political party, namely the Republican National Committee. For many
years I was a dedicated RNC member. I have never given money to the RNC
because I tend to be a cheap bastard. Be warned, these images are
large and may take some time to download over your wimpy 56k dial-up
connection. I still don't understand how some of you can watch Asian
pre-teen female bondage pornography over those putridly slow
connections. I digress...
Anyway, they sent me a letter titled "Republican Party Census
Document." Herein they ask a dozen or so loaded questions that would
impress a Turkish judge at their outright audacity. Then immediately
after they have whipped you into a Republican fervor, they hit you up for
cash!
This is good stuff, they start their contributions at $500 then move
down to $25. (Not like the MOP who starts at $10 and moves up. We
never want you to feel bad because you cannot
Contribute significant quanitities of money.) However, the $100 check box has two asterisks next to
it. Below you see that the two asterisks tell you that if you send
$100 "...this amount pays to mail 250 more Census Documents to registered
Republicans." If you do the math, they claim each Census document
costs 40 cents.
Under that they then get to my favorite part! They write:
Let me see if I understand this happy horse-shit; it only costs 40
cents to send these surveys but it costs $11 to have some sub-human,
knuckle dragging moron tabulate the survey results? I can probably
tabulate one of these surveys in 15 seconds. I can handle getting
paid $11 every 15 seconds!
But by far the best part is how they say that if you can't send them
the $11 then you are a pansy, Commie, pinko, liberal Democrat! Fuck
that! I will send them back their fucking Census but I will scratch
out the line about liberal Democrats and write in that I will only support
the glorious jihad that will be brought by the May Oral Party of America!
Perhaps you might like to know a bit more about me. I was converted by the Holy Morris away from the Great Satan of
the Republican Party. Holy Morris came to me as I lay abject in a
pit of self-imposed Republican hysteria and he said unto me: "Rise
sinner and repent. For are not all politicians alike? Do not all men of
politics subsist as proctologists amongst assholes? Are they not all
covered in shit? The day of reckoning is near...and a hey nonny-nonny and a cha cha cha."
These words filled my soul and I was Saved. Holy Morris opened my
eyes and I hope he opens your too. If not, I will enjoy laughing at
you as you burn for eternity. Until next time...send us your money. |
